So, I moved back to Sacramento, FINALLY. I live in a house with a couple of friends and I'm picking the pieces of my life up and slowly but surely gluing them back together. So, everything is going all right, I guess....
Sometimes I feel like I'm really naive about life. I mean, I step back and take a look at everything, and I see the way I treat my experiences. I think I've learned from them, but in reality, I haven't. I notice the pattern in my relationships (both romantic and platonic) and how I go about things. I don't learn from shit. I keep befriending people that I'm weary of, I keep dating people that I know are extremely below my standards, I keep smoking bud despite the fact that I know it's not helping me at all, I keep thinking I'm moving forward when I'm really walking in a big fucking circle.
I really hope that when I start college, I'll get away from this group of slackers and get back in touch with people who can actually keep up with me in conversation. I'm so sick of hanging out with people who have to ask me to explain myself constantly. "what's that mean?" "I don't get it?" "WOW that's a big word!!" "how do you spell that?"
Fuck, that shit is annoying. I feel like I live in a zoo with a bunch of monkeys. No, wait, monkeys are smart. Anyways, you get the point. I know I sound like a condescending prick. Well, I am a condescending prick, actually. I think that's part of the problem, I think I'm too smart for everyone. I'm obnoxious, really.
I've digressed from my point.
I really don't even remember the point. I'm going to be looking back at this when I quit smoking weed and say "Damn, Melissa, you were burnt!"
Sigh....I just want to grow up and live happily. I want to go to college, get a career and leave all this crap in the past. I want to make real money, and show all these people that I'm a survivor, no matter how much they tried to hold me down, I still rose up and became successful. And it would be great if I could do that in a really expensive, yet gas efficient, car. Haha.
I've been waiting on weed all day and still have not received. This is upsetting me, of course...
So, today I got inside information that my ex may only be doing a year and a half. That's good, I was really scared they were going to throw the book at him, you know?
I'm going to his court date tomorrow to support him and then I think I'll visit him.
I've been thinking about just up and moving out of state, just taking everything I have on the road and making my way across the country, actually. I kind of just want to hitchhike away and see what happens. Sounds silly, doesn't it? But...lately I've been convinced that there is definately more to life than just sitting around waiting for something good to happen. I think I need to go find myself, meet new people and start over somewhere else. I do, however, plan on going to college first, so I can at least have an education before I go galavanting around....
In other news, I think I'm going to stop dating completely. That shit sucks, and men do, too.
- Music:Sunny Day Real Estate
I went and visited my ex in jail today. He's doing really good, and we had a good long talk about the state of things. I really love him, I do, but I cannot deal with him. Who could? He's facing a few years, and that really hurts me....I know I can't wait that long for him, it would just be too lonely, you know?
I've been thinking a lot lately about my life and the people I include in it. I really need to re-evaluate myself, because I'm letting too many outer experiences run my life, and this should not be. This is a situation I cannot let happen because I'm too damn smart to live like this. Blah.
New Years shit:
Quit smoking weed...eventually
Go to college
Deal with my co-dependency
talk more with my mom
Get closer to dad
Deal with the deaths that have happened over the years
I think that's a good way to start off the new year, right?
I hate myself and I hate everyone. I hope you fuckers crash and burn!!!!
- Music:Anti-Flag Die For Your Government
I used to think that everything was going to be all right, that despite all my faults and flaws...and everything that I have done wrong....I thought I would be okay.
I thought I would be happy.
But, for some reason, I'm not.
I really fucking hate them. They suck!
So....in the adventures of Melissa's dating life...here's what is going on:
Kevin...totally dissed me. Said I was too sensitive. Later I find out he was actually really, really into me and he hated the thought of commitment, so he ditched me. Kind of painful, but also kind of a compliment...sort of.
My "baby": Him and I are two halves that are just waiting to come together and create a perfect relationship. Too bad we want different things!!! He loves me, he loves me not...So, we're just best friends
And that piece of shit, Fielding: I FUCKING HATE HIM. But, I only hate him because he totally dissed me and...that hurts.
So, this is what's happening right now: I hate my fucking life more than I ever have before.
The ex is never going to get out of jail and right now I'm wondering if I should be back with him because I've really been missing him lately.
The "Kevin phase" of my life is, and has been for quite some time, officially over. The bad part is the way he told me he didn't want to see me anymore was really fucked up. The good part is, it really wasn't me...it REALLY WAS HIM. About a month after he "broke my little heart" he told his sister how much he really did like me and was scared of commitment because he could see himself being with me. Hmmph.
Uhh...oh, yeah, my house got robbed. Karma's a fucking bitch. Hmmm...what else? Oh, I got into a fight with a rather large lesbian. No, I didn't win, but either did she. And the best part is the next day my face was just as gorgeous as it was the day before...and her face? Well...Let's just say she was looking mighty fucked up.
My life is really annoying right now. Everything that could've went wrong did. My financial situation is nothing more than glum, my "love" life is in a horrible rut, Kevin has totally just cut me out of his life, Chris might be in jail for ten years....Everything is just so fuck right now. I don't know what to do.
Sigh....Sometimes, I wonder if this is really worth it. All the things that I have or don't have, does it really matter? Maybe I should just give everything up and go live in nature. I'll take a cue from a certain person I know and say "fuck this society" and just live the way we were meant to.
I don't know, though, that might be really tough, especially for a spoiled, mildly obsessive compulsive, lonely brat such as myself.
Well, that's about it. i'm currently trying to think of ways to get myself back on my feet, but it's just so hard with my finances the way they are....This is the first time in a couple of years that I really just don't know what the hell to do. I feel like I am royally fucked and there's no one around to help me or even go through it with me. That really blows and the future is really bleak right now.
Damnit, I need to fucking start acting like an adult and take control of situations, not wait around for them to fix themselves. Because we all know that doesn't work at all, so...whatever.
Well, Kevin flaked on me again....
I did some shrooms the other night when he was supposed to come over...well, he called and I was all fucked up. He told me he was definately going to come see me the next night. Well, the next night came and he never called. I tried calling him and he never returned it. I'm still waiting.
This is just fucked up. I feel like he's trying to make me hate him or something. The fact that he doesn't call to apologize until days later really pisses me off.
Damnit. Those shrooms fucked my emotions up bad, too. I've been crying so much, feeling sorry for myself not caring about anything else but just making myself feel better. It's been hell these last few days. Things have been getting to me so much. When Kevin flaked it felt like such crap, I just cried and cried because I felt like I wasn't important enough to him. I felt like he didn't care, like I was nothing. It's such a bad feeling......Just feeling like someone that you care about doesn't give a flying fuck about any of your emotions.
Well, fuck....I don't know what to do now. I'm so lost and confused....I just don't feel like I'm ever going to come out of this. I'm seriously depressed and I need someone to be there for me but there's no one. No one gives a shit, it's just me by myself, trying to cope.
Being alone is something almost all human beings fear. And this is what I am. All alone in this big world with no one by my side. No one to hug me or kiss me, no one to tell me everything is just fine....nothing.